i think that for a while i managed to fool myself into thinking that something positive might come out of this. that maybe somehow a miracle would happen and that i'd be happy.

but it's been a more than half a year and i don't see this going places. i don't see myself being happy. instead, i feel even more alone than ever. sad, that i allow myself to be such a person. allow myself to be vulnerable when i deserve more because i keep giving. i listen when you're down, i listen when you're happy. but it comes to a point where i don't want to listen anymore. i don't want to hear your stories about so and so because i don't really care what that person said.

so i guess it's time for me to finally say that i've had enough. no more feeling like i should be a good friend, no more feeling somewhat happy at our chats. finito.

I know things are going to change between us. that in a matter of a few months, we're no longer gonna be how we are now. I told myself to really not crumble this time but I just can't help it sometimes. maybe it's not something that's within my control but it just saddens me that things are like this. there are so many songs that could possibly describe this situation right now and maybe I don't want to admit that I feel this way because I know it's not something I can be in control of... which is why when I was asked about it I just didn't know what to say. because what's the point of even talking about it when I know what's on your mind?

I just hope you know that you'll always be a special friend.

sometimes it makes me a little sad that 365 days ago we were talking quite abit and skyping through the exam period. you telling me to study harder and asking what songs I liked, playing the guitar once in awhile... but now even when I see you around it's just a quick smile (or maybe shifty eyes at times) and then we rush off in different directions. not that I expected much but things like this often make you wonder how things could have changed so much. I'm glad you're happy and that you're doing well though.

keeping a safe distance because that's the best thing I can do right now.

there are some people whom you know & you want them to always be part of your lives. maybe you're one of them?

'I'm grateful for people who take another path'

that was something that made me think and reflect. quite meaningful I suppose but really I think it's just knowing that I am so sinful and undeserving but that He still died for me (:

tomorrow I'll be sitting for my 1st paper! 3 papers this week and then 1 next week and then freedom on the 18th of may. I'm excited to start, though of course a little nervous as well. but I know God is with me and that is more than I can ask for. I can do this!!!

funny how one year ago I was really dreading/crying/hating all my modules and this year it's been pretty different. also sad that tomorrow might be the last time I see all my chinese classmates cause most of them are going on study abroad in beijing next year :(